Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
In America we eat man semen.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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