dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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