A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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