I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
