My Higher Power is John Stamos
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
