I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
