I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
