matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize