i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
