Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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