last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
