Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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