Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
