I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
