Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
