Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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