I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I FOUND THE LEGS
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
