so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
