I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
