My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
