Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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