Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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