I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize