I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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