I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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