I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
