If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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