he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
