i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
