Your face is a jimmy john
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
