I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
