If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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