so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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