i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
