guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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