You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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