and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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