This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
