I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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