He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize