i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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