Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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