good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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