I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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