I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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