My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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