Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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