what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
