I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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