Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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