I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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