i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
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