So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
