wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
