I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
