Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
