Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
