"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
