Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
