i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
