I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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