Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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