oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can vaginas get frostbite?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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