After last night, I could never be a politician.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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