??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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