Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
All the doctor said was why
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
