just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
