i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
