and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
